“Everything I was I carry with me, everything I will be lies waiting on the road ahead.” ― Ma Jian

I have this recurring dream of being in a car, but someone else is driving and we’re headed to an unknown destination. Usually, something goes wrong by the end of the dream and I wake up with a lingering sense of unease. It’s not quite a nightmare, but every time I have this dream, I spend the rest of my day deep in thought, trying to decipher its meaning.

Last year, I started writing down my dreams and it’s been an interesting experience. I’ve become more aware of what’s buried deep in my subconscious—things that even intense therapy may not have unearthed. I’ve also gained insight into areas where I was at risk of making dangerous decisions. And on one occasion, I got a preview of something that would happen in my life about a month before it did. I’m just starting to understand the power of my dreams, and it’s been illuminating to see what I can tap into in a dream state.

In the last dream I had concerning this theme of being driven to an unknown destination, I was sat in the back of the car, right in the middle. The car was full but I couldn’t make out anyone’s face—everyone felt like a stranger. At some point, they all left and I had to drive alone. Hesitant to take the wheel, I sat perched on the edge of the driver’s seat. When I finally got comfortable enough to fully take control, the car ran out of fuel; it kept rolling forward, slowly, and I sat there, occasionally adjusting the steering wheel.

Maybe the meaning seems obvious to you. Depending on the specifics of the dream, sometimes it seems obvious to me too, but I’m still trying to unpack what it means for my real life. This life, which for so long felt like some kind of purgatory—a waiting period before getting to the “real” destination: my dream life. But this is it. This is real life, and dreams become reality in the waking moments.

*

The other day my friend asked me about a five-year plan. She’d been watching something when that question came up and she realized she didn’t have an answer; she wondered if I did. I told her I didn’t have specific answers and I shared some general expectations for different areas of my life.

I’ve always known what I wanted from life, but to be honest, some of the details of my dream life came from trauma, societal norms and expectations, and anything that didn’t require me to take full ownership of my life. In some areas, I convinced myself that I merely wanted to float by, open to whatever came my way, instead of taking charge. In other areas, I gave up too quickly on what I truly desired, for fear of being plagued by failure or the burden of history.

It wasn’t until 2024 that I truly understood I was in control of my life. I saw how much of it I had squandered waiting for something outside of myself to propel me forward—perfect conditions, to be a different person, a job…something. Even though I spoke of agency a lot, I never really dared to exercise mine because I’d been disempowered for so long. I could say the right things, and even take small steps that appeared to be courageous, but I was still looking over my shoulder, waiting for a crowd to cheer me on and say, “Yes, Precious, that’s the right path for you”.

My disempowerment showed up in subtle, quiet ways and I wish I’d caught on much earlier—maybe I could have changed something, done things differently. But I believe I needed to do all that running around and get to the end of the road, so that I could finally see how I was working against myself by waiting for perfection and relinquishing my own power.

It’s funny, as I was writing this, I got a flashback to a year ago, around this time, when I was in the passenger seat being driven to my destination by a man who told me, “You’ve got the power”. I was confused and asked what he meant; he looked back at me, equally confused, as though I knew what he meant—and maybe I did, but I wished he would say more out loud. I needed confirmation, that someone could see something I felt but could never really access. Instead, he laughed, and we changed the topic.

In those years when I felt disempowered, I lived with a staggering amount of self-delusion. Not the kind that produces brash confidence, but the kind that makes you step into fire as you convince yourself it won’t burn. Today, I have more humility, which has actually empowered me. Because of the experience of getting it wrong many times—and knowing that sometimes I’m my worst enemy—I now turn to God to guide my steps and that is where my confidence comes from. If I were to fail, it would not be because I was proud and self-reliant.

I’m living with a sense of urgency—not because I’m afraid of time running out or trying to catch up and make up for lost time. No. For me, living with urgency means being intentional and singularly focused on my path—the one that’s already been created for me but only reveals itself the further I go. Respectfully, I’m not interested in what anyone else has going on. The right path for me is not necessarily the one others approve of; it’s a path that is between me and God, and we’re figuring it out.

I believe there’s a right path for each of us, and if you’re lucky enough to get a glimpse of it—even just an innate knowing that it exists—there has to be a degree of surrender as you embark on that journey. To be in the driver’s seat, steering the wheel, monitoring your fuel levels, and yet still surrendered. It’s not auto-pilot; it’s not living in a heightened state of vigilance. It’s being aware of everything around you, while staying focused and trusting that even though you can’t see the entire path ahead from where you sit, you will arrive at your destination.

Recent reads on Substack

I read a lot of wonderful essays on Substack and thought I’d share some recent favourites. I hope you find something that speaks to you.

'A Sort of Strangeness Among People': It’s 2025, compassion is dead—as is critical thinking—and polarization is the currency the world trades in. Elif Shafak reminds us why Hannah Arendt’s words still ring true today.

Having survived the horrors of Nazi persecution…she was worried about the destruction of individual autonomy and critical thinking. Yet at the same time, she warned us that if we were to become atomised individuals, each in our own cocoon, that is when terrible things could happen on a broader social and political scale.

On the Politics of Attention in 2025: With the TikTok fiasco/publicity stunt in the US, this piece offers a lot to think about in terms of what it means to be an influencer/content creator or someone who supports/follows influencers.

“The more people look to individuals—even well-compensated individuals with management teams—the more reliant internet culture is on learning from or being entertained by “content creators” whose faces are key to their work, the more the audience is asking people to exhaust and exploit themselves.”

A Manifesto in Defense of Courtship: Everyone’s complaining about dating, they say it’s grim out there (“they” because it doesn’t include me; I’m single, but y’all be safe). But seriously, people are having such a terrible time dating and up until 2024, I thought I knew what I was doing—I did not. Read this if you’re dating or have ~feelings about what dating means today.

“But here’s the most important reason for courtship: It fosters an attitude of respect, appreciation, and courtesy between the two people.”

The Video That Raised $800K in Donations: I work as a Marketing & Communications Specialist, and I’ve worked primarily with non-profits. This interview with GoFundMe’s Associate Director of Brand Marketing—in response to the LA fires—reminded me of what I once loved about my job and why I got into this line of work.

“We can be a resource to those who rely on social media in crisis…We understand how to share vital information in a way that will lead to more eyeballs. This week I was reminded how powerful posting can be.”

🌻 Statement of purpose: I love hearing about people’s processes in whatever they’re doing—art, personal development, routines, etc. I simply enjoy knowing the thought process of how people move through things. So, this piece outlining Jasmine Sun’s writing focus for 2025 was a delightful read.

“Behaviors have contexts, meanings, imports beyond the twitches of nerves and vibrations of atoms. Often this strange knowledge is metis, graspable only through experience. The job of the researcher, then, is to live in the world—to uncover the subtexts of small things—to convey them through “thick description”—to “enlarge the universe of human discourse”—and to make it possible to “converse with strangers.”

Sugar and Death: The Phenomenon of Baccarat Rouge 540: I did not know I needed to read nearly 8,000 words on Baccarat Rouge 540 but here we are. I absolutely loved this piece.

“Whenever I spray Baccarat Rouge 540, I think about Uncut Gems…The entire film feels like a longshot, chaotic and relentless. Uncut Gems is a dark parable, an encapsulated kaleidoscope world on its own that you are sucked in to for the duration of the runtime and simply cannot escape - even if you hit pause, you’re still in there. It is a brilliant film, but a harrowing one. This, to me, is the feeling of Baccarat precisely.”

in defense of pretension: This essay is now viral, and it has every right to be. It starts off like this:

“corpses walk among us. they might look like you and i but in truth, they are contaminated by a disease that has turned them into empty shells, mannequins masquerading as people. richard hofstadter had a word for this sickness—anti-intellectualism—but i call it the death of our nafsaad. of our person-hoods.”

I mean, LFG?

Real Psychotherapy is a Form of Worship: I was in therapy on and off for a long time; last year, I took a break and I haven’t gone back (yet). This piece underscores the purpose of therapy.

“Self-reflection is ultimately an antidote to delusion. Our delusions are what hold us hostage to our misery… I often hear people describe how their experiences ‘changed them’ but that is not an accurate statement. It is not our experiences themselves, but our reflection on those experiences, that change us. Without reflection you simply wander and pass through those experiences learning nothing, changing nothing, understanding nothing.”

Cowboy Carter Live: This one gave me chills—I threw my phone to the side, paused, widened my eyes and sighed. A great read.

“What makes her among the greatest performers in recorded human history however, is that she’d enter her alter-ego and step over her own corpse if the choreography or lyric demanded it, more are afraid of her than afraid for her. She has forfeited the fallibility and fragility of normal people. Like a mechanical bull, like a mechanical bull, she chants during her halftime stunt, herself the bull and the rider.”

I Self-sabotage, Now What?: As a former self-saboteur, this hit home for me. If you suspect that you might be self-sabotaging in any area of your life, read this.

“What is it in me that must remain so deeply buried so as to be guarded by a darkness this dynamic and creative? My light, surely. A light I have a duty to unearth.”

A 2025 Shopping Rubric for Baddies on a Budget: I love reading practical tips about creating systems that make certain aspects of my life easier, and this is one such piece.

What we talk about when we talk about values: In the same vein of articles that provide actionable tips, this one comes with an exercise to help you define your values.